xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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