I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
