Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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