those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Shame - the story of my life.
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