I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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