I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she told me i tasted like america
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
