if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
