I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
