My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
