You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
