Is it because I queefed?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
