why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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