Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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