I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
