This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
