I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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