Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
