i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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