I just saw a hot homeless man
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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