Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
