I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
