I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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