Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
