I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
