Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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