Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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