I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
