I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
