Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
