This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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