Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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