dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
