i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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