can we get nightvision for the apartment?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
