Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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