Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Everclear isn't food dammit
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
