jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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