Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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