remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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