i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
