once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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