i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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