Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
