just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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