i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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