well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
