my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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