she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
