I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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