I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
